Linda Ross Swanson, M.A., C.T.

Linda Ross Swanson, M.A., C.T.
Nationally Certified Grief & Loss Counselor & Educator, Portland, OR

Friday, September 21, 2007

Easing Our Survivor's Pain By Writing a Wisdom Will (R)

This month, I thought I'd post a talk that I've given in the community several times over the last year , on what I've trademarked as a Wisdom Will. It is a wonderful gift to our survivors after we are gone. Also, it is a wonderful exercise for individuals to take on. I've helped many people compose their Wisdom Wills. and all felt a deep satisfaction after it was done. Many decided to share it now, before they were on their death beds. I hope you find the the topic meaningful.
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Life is unpredictable. In 453 AD, Attila the Hun died of a nosebleed on his wedding night. Sir Francis Bacon died in 1626 of pneumonia. He was experimenting with freezing a chicken by stuffing it with snow. The writer, Tennessee Williams, choked to death when a nose spray bottle cap accidentally dropped into his mouth while he was using the spray. Or still more dreadful, over 3,000 people died in the United States on September 11, 2001 when Al-Qaida terrorists flew planes into the World Trade Center and Pentagon buildings.

Every night on the news, we hear stories of unexpected death and destruction. No one can accurately predict all that will happen tomorrow or the day after. This is why attorneys draw up our legal wills and we set up trust funds for our children. Life happens. Death happens. Just as we want to be prayed-up and spiritually ready to go when we die, we need our wisdom packaged and ready to gift to loved ones and community. We can experience peace in knowing a meaningful part of us exists for future generations. I propose that one way of doing this is by composing a legacy document, which I call a Wisdom Will ™, to record one’s values, blessings, wisdom, and prayers for the future.

As people begin to appraise their lives, key questions surface. How will they be remembered? What kind of legacy will they leave behind? Does life have meaning? How can they harness some of the meaning and purpose of their lives and keep it from being lost or buried with them when they die? A Wisdom Will is a way to encapsulate peoples wisdom, values, lessons they have learned from adversity, sources of strength, their beliefs, their prayers and blessings for loved ones and community. This grand gesture of documentation links people to their survivors for generations. It is a priceless, timeless treasure.

Legal wills bequeath valuables. Wisdom Wills bequeath values. The greatest gift one can give or receive from someone who has died is a legacy from the heart, thus, an inheritance document such as this comes from the very core--a heartfelt place. Jesus says in Luke 12:33-34, “Provide purses for yourselves that will not wear out, a treasure in heaven that will not be exhausted, where no thief comes near and no moth destroys. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.”
I believe it is good work to heed these words by building character, faith, love, forgiveness and compassion. In order for this learning to become long lasting, we must share it. There is no better way than the bequeathing of a document that will archive these values for eons.

Dr. Ira Byock, author of Dying Well: Peace and Possibilities at the End of Life, says people need to complete five tasks in order to experience relationship completion/reconciliation and a peaceful death. These tasks include, “‘Saying I forgive you”; “Forgive me”; “Thank you”, and “I love you.”’ As death nears, the final task is to say goodbye (140).

The observance of passing on one’s personal legacy, or one’s cultural legacy is common among many religions and ethnic groups. In antiquity these legacies were an oral tradition. When writing became more common, the wills were written and read to loved ones and friends after death. Throughout the years, the written tradition lost its significance and few people composed them for their loved ones. After the United States’ tragedy of September 11, 2001, the practice began resurfacing. Awareness of the unpredictability of life brought many people face to face with the reality of death.After 2001, people are writing Wisdom Will documents at such turning points in their lives as: awaiting the birth of a child, before major surgery, before a graduation or Bar Mitzvah, after a death, after a divorce or relationship breakup, or after a job loss.

For generations soldiers have written just in case letters and now during the ongoing Iraqi conflict (2004-2005), U.S. military men and women are doing the same. However, people do not have to wait for critical moments to pass on their learning. Bequeathing values, along with material valuables, is becoming a new trend. In her September and October (American Association of Retired People) AARP Magazine, article entitled “Gift of a Lifetime,” Karen Cheney noted this trend:
More and more people are recognizing the value of bequeathing loved ones the most precious memories and lessons of a lifetime. Count among them President Bill Clinton, who recently advised a crowd of booksellers in Chicago, “I really think that anyone who’s fortunate enough to live to be 50 years old should take some time, even if it’s just a couple of weekends, to sit down and write the story of your [sic] life, even if it’s only 20 pages, and even if it’s only for your children and your grandchildren.” (30)

I believe Wisdom Wills are part of our legacy planning, and part of our responsibility to life. Cheney continues:
The concept is also energizing—injecting heart into—theestate-planning field. Barry Baines, M.D.,author of Ethical Wills: Putting Your Values on Paper, and creator of www.ethicalwill.com,says that at the seminars he offers on the subject, one of his largest audiences is financial-planning professionals. (30)

In addition, Kiplinger’s Newsletter, “Retirement Report”, January 1, 2002, editors emphasize that:
A farewell letter isn’t your most important estate planning document but it may be the one that means the most to your family and friends. A farewell letter, often called an ethical will or, legacy statement, is your final personal missive to your family.It’s not a legal document, but it gives you the chance to let your
family know what you tried to accomplish in your life, what was most important to you and what you want for those you leave behind.Think of it as a written legacy of your most cherished values and beliefs. (1)


The editors encourage people to make it part of their “overall plan.”
In her advertising brochure, Joella Werlin, founder of “Familore—Family Records & Recollections,” writes:

If a journey is our metaphor for life, planning for the last miles may begin at any stage of adulthood. At some point, of us must let go of our baggage and dispose of possessions acquired along the way. The pausebetween our questions and answers must close. How will our survivors know what has really mattered to us and why? What memorabilia will we leave behind for those who have been our companions, for those who are yet to travel some, during what is inevitably a difficult time. Is there way to offer reassurance that the journey has ended in what we accept as a safe place? And, can we hold on across time to our connections and love? These questions are bestanswered through Legacy Planning. (Familore brochure)

I believe God makes no distinction between us, every one is equal; everyone has something to offer life, some gift, some contribution, some purpose. Unless one reflects on it, examines it, reaps its treasure, it will be lost and forgotten. I concur with Socrates in that an unexamined life is not worth living. Reflection is important to our mental health and well-being. A Wisdom Will provides the opportunity for such reflection.

I trust that people completing this legacy document will reap a viable inheritance of wisdom, values and blessings for their loved ones and their communities. I believe that composers of Wisdom Wills will heighten the potential for greater peace in their lives, no matter the number of days they have left on earth. I also maintain that writing a Wisdom Will will invigorate peoples’ interest in living life to the fullest.

Saturday, February 10, 2007

Disenfranchised Grief

Someone who has lost a loved one knows they need time to grieve and directly deal with their feelings. Yet, all through life we experiences losses such as: innocence, independence, time, freedoms, employment, relationships, physical agility, injury, disease, productivity, identity, and self-esteem. The list could go on ad infinitum. How many of us actually pay attention to these life events and believe that they are worth grieving? Not many. Most of us feel almost ashamed to admit the loss.

After I received my Master's Degree, I struggled with low grade depression. Why was I so unhappy; I'd been all smiles and giddiness walking across that stage? It didn't dawn on me that I was grieving the loss of striving, of seeking a goal, of accomplishing something no one else in my family ever had. I needed to acknowledge the loss and decide what to do next with my life--something that would give me the same "spark" as working for that degree. When I decided to write an on-line course on grief and loss and finish writing the book I'd started, I felt a deep sense of renewal and excitement.

No matter the size of the loss, we always feel deprived or cheated out of something. When we examine our most dramatic life experiences, the hard-stuff, it always involves a loss of some kind. Therese Rando states in her book, How to Go on Living When Someone you Love Dies, (1988):
If the difficult situations you have undergone in your life...had been interpreted to you as symbolic deaths" and identified as losses, you probably would have realized that your intense reactions at the time were part of the grief process. This understanding probably would have enabled you to cope better at the time.

There are secondary losses associated with a death and other life events that aren't acknowledged as legitimate, yet they are viable losses too. I'm talking about having to change your life to accommodate an ill person; or enduring an injury that keeps you from ever running again. There are secondary losses when we are injured and have to retire early, or we can no longer drive a car. All of these are legitimate losses and need to be grieved in order for us to truly find peace and wholeness.

Among the various forms of loss are ambiguous losses as well. We rarely feel supported when a former spouse dies or we learn that we are infertile, or we are adopted and grieve the fantasy parent-child relationship we may have had with our real parents. Pet loss is another significant loss that people often endure without support. Alzheimer's disease is a terrible loss for families because the person they knew and loved vanishes becoming someone who doesn't even know who they are.

All of these losses are legitimate and need recognition so they can be overcome. Without support people may find themselves with increased emotional reactions to situations that normally require much less energy. They may be in denial themselves about the legitimacy of their losses and wonder why they are reacting they way they are. We need to acknowledge all of our grief, otherwise, we may find ourselves accumulating stress thereby compromising our immune systems and heading for a major illness. Additionally, the less we acknowledge the grief in our lives, the more it piles up, guaranteeing an intensified mourning process the next time we are confronted with loss.

It's a good idea to write our grief histories, going back and identifying losses that we didn't think mattered. Then, examine our feelings to see if there is any sting left in the memories. Journaling is a great way to work out unresolved grief. Another is taking our memories for long walks. This allows us time to mourn all the forgotten, stuffed, unacknowledged griefs that we have all tucked away. If all else fails, we can into grief counseling or seek therapy. I've discovered that when we shine light on that which is hidden, it can no longer harm us.

Friday, January 19, 2007

UNDERSTANDING YOUR GRIEF

GRIEF IS BOTH A NECESSITY AND A PRIVILEGE. IT COMES AS A RESULT OF HAVING THE CAPACITY TO GIVE AND RECEIVE LOVE. BECAUSE WE ALL WILL EVENTUALLY DIE, WE WILL ALL AT SOME POINT EXPERIENCE THE LOSS OF A LOVED ONE.


COMMON QUESTIONS After the loss of a loved one

How do I survive, and do I even want to?

How long will this pain last? Is what I’m feeling normal?

Should I act as if everything is okay?

Should I make changes in my holiday traditions?


No right or wrong answers, no simple guidelines that will take away the pain and the hurt people feel.

Some suggestions:

1. TALK ABOUT YOUR GRIEF—ignoring it won’t make it go away—share with people who you find caring and non-judgmental
WHAT PEOPLE FEEL ONE DAY WILL NOT BE THE SAME AS THEY FEEL THE NEXT DAY OR THE NEXT WEEK. FEELINGS CHANGE AS WE WORK THROUGH OUR GRIEF

2. BE TOLERANT OF YOUR LIMITS and kind to yourself. It’s not uncommon to have low energy—mourning depletes us of our resources, it is exhausting/hard work.-- inability to concentrate, feeling vulnerable—emotions on the surface. EXERCISES help reduce the stress.

TRY NOT TO WORRY ABOUT WHAT OTHERS THINK about how you’re handling grief
They’re not in your place. Some may want to cheer you up and give you advice and others might want you to hurry up.


3. SIMPLIFY—be realistic about your self expectations, focus on what’s really important – you and your family. PACE yourself, ALLOW extra time to do errands . BREAK TASKS down to manageable pieces

4. BE WITH SUPPORTIVE, COMFORTING PEOPLE. People that allow you to talk openly about your feelings

5. ACCEPT HELP- OTHERS CAN OFTEN SEE WHAT WE CANNOT SEE, CAN DO WHAT WE CAN’T DO, CAN LISTEN AS WE PROCESS OUR FEELING—GRIEF SUPPORT GROUPS AND GRIEF COUNSELING ARE HELPFUL.

6. MENTION THE NAME OF THE PERSON WHO DIED, others might avoid using the name for fear of upsetting a person, take the initiative—others will then recognize your need to remember if you give them permission. IT’S NORMAL TO REPEAT THE SAME STORIES ABOUT OUR LOVED ONE AND THE EVENTS AROUND THE DEATH. That’s part of the process

7. DO WHAT’S RIGHT FOR YOU, have a plan. GIVE YOURSELF PERMISSION TO CHANGE YOUR FAMILY AND HOLIDAY TRADITIONS.

8. EMBRACE YOUR MEMORIES—your memories are the legacy left by your loved ones, people are now setting about the task of remembering the person who they will carry with them for the rest of their lives.

ONE THING THAT I FOUND COMFORTING WAS TO CARRY, WEAR OR USE AN OBJECT THAT BELONGED TO MY LOVE DONE.

9. RENEW YOUR RESOURCES FOR LIVING. Taking inventory of our lives and our strengths, we just might discover some new gifts in ourselves, some untapped resources—even as we acknowledge the depth of our pain.

Might consider reaching out to others—volunteer work can help us feel needed, appreciated and valued.

10. EXPLORE YOUR FAITH—read some material about grief and loss, set some time aside for prayer and reflection, some time to explore your beliefs. Perhaps, make an appointment to talk to a pastor, rabbi,
Spiritual advisor. BE PREPARED FOR THE POSSIBILITY OF EXPERIENCING SERIOUS DOUBT AND EVEN ANGER WITH GOD. THIS IS COMMON.

QUESTIONS AND DOUBTS ARE OKAY—THEY ARE PART OF THE GRIEF JOURNEY—BE WITH PEOPLE WHO CAN SUPPORT YOU IN THIS.

ALMOST ALL PEOPLE WHO GO THROUGH A MAJOR LOSS RECOVER, BUT IT TAKES TIME, LOTS OF TIME AND IT TAKES A LOT OF ENERGY AND EFFORT, AND IT’S PAINFUL.

YET IT IS THROUGH THIS VALLEY OF PAIN THAT WE ARE HEALED AND BEGIN TO FEEL GOOD AGAIN.

AS THEY SAY, THE ONLY WAY THROUGH IT IS THROUGH IT.

LOVE DOES NOT DIE, IT DEEPENS US AND ULTIMATELY WE ARE STRENGTHENED BY IT.


YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY ABOUT SCAR TISSUE—IT IS TOUGHER THAN NORMAL SKIN. WE WILL BECOME STRONG AGAIN, AND HOPEFULLY STRONGER THAN WE WERE BEFORE.

Saturday, January 13, 2007

Written at the request of
Friends of Forest Park

Portland, OR

COME WALK THE GOOD EARTH

Walk.. Talk.. Laugh.. Love.. and Live in peace. The Earth is yours!
--
Rev. Dick Harding the “Walk Doc”

With Forest Park in our midst we can take health walks everyday. Health walks are holistic effecting the mind, body and spirit. I can attest to their positive influence on grief for I walked my way through mourning after losing my mother, best friend and elder brother in less than two years. Walking isn’t something I just wanted to do; it became something that I had to do in order to find peace of mind, and my way to accepting the losses.

We can walk our way through grief and loss, stress, tension, angst, frustration, anger and fear. I not only use my walking time thinking things through, but also listening deeply to the sounds and wisdom of nature. What better place to solidify our understanding of life’s changes than in the forest where transformation happens right before our eyes. From the death of the plant and animal life, the earth is enriched and produces even more wonder for our enjoyment.

Nothing dies without revealing its gifts. Even in the midst of the most horrible situations, there are opportunities for wisdom and new life to emerge. After losing loved ones, people often move in new directions. They change careers, found charities, become advocates, start volunteering, and/or find their passion. Walking is a tool that can assist us in self-learning and in world understanding. In my opinion, it has that kind of power; especially, if we walk alone with our thoughts. Nature’s accompaniment will surely be missed if we are plugged into all the available, modern contraptions.

Dick Harding in his book Walking Through Stress: Meditation in Motion, says this:

A relaxed brain is the safest and most sensible medical technique for your mind, moods and muscles in today’s stressful society. Over a period of time, creative ideas and pleasant memory sensations will heighten your level of mental control and comfort. The tranquil brain makes a biochemical response (from its 2,300 natural chemicals) that permits you to fully enjoy a superb psychophysical environment inside yourself. (xiii)

Why not take time each day or each week to walk off deadly emotions and find freshness and new life in the unspoiled beauty of Forest Park? I’ll see you there.
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