UNDERSTANDING YOUR GRIEF

GRIEF IS BOTH A NECESSITY AND A PRIVILEGE. IT COMES AS A RESULT OF HAVING THE CAPACITY TO GIVE AND RECEIVE LOVE. BECAUSE WE ALL WILL EVENTUALLY DIE, WE WILL ALL AT SOME POINT EXPERIENCE THE LOSS OF A LOVED ONE.


COMMON QUESTIONS After the loss of a loved one

How do I survive, and do I even want to?

How long will this pain last? Is what I’m feeling normal?

Should I act as if everything is okay?

Should I make changes in my holiday traditions?


No right or wrong answers, no simple guidelines that will take away the pain and the hurt people feel.

Some suggestions:

1. TALK ABOUT YOUR GRIEF—ignoring it won’t make it go away—share with people who you find caring and non-judgmental
WHAT PEOPLE FEEL ONE DAY WILL NOT BE THE SAME AS THEY FEEL THE NEXT DAY OR THE NEXT WEEK. FEELINGS CHANGE AS WE WORK THROUGH OUR GRIEF

2. BE TOLERANT OF YOUR LIMITS and kind to yourself. It’s not uncommon to have low energy—mourning depletes us of our resources, it is exhausting/hard work.-- inability to concentrate, feeling vulnerable—emotions on the surface. EXERCISES help reduce the stress.

TRY NOT TO WORRY ABOUT WHAT OTHERS THINK about how you’re handling grief
They’re not in your place. Some may want to cheer you up and give you advice and others might want you to hurry up.


3. SIMPLIFY—be realistic about your self expectations, focus on what’s really important – you and your family. PACE yourself, ALLOW extra time to do errands . BREAK TASKS down to manageable pieces

4. BE WITH SUPPORTIVE, COMFORTING PEOPLE. People that allow you to talk openly about your feelings

5. ACCEPT HELP- OTHERS CAN OFTEN SEE WHAT WE CANNOT SEE, CAN DO WHAT WE CAN’T DO, CAN LISTEN AS WE PROCESS OUR FEELING—GRIEF SUPPORT GROUPS AND GRIEF COUNSELING ARE HELPFUL.

6. MENTION THE NAME OF THE PERSON WHO DIED, others might avoid using the name for fear of upsetting a person, take the initiative—others will then recognize your need to remember if you give them permission. IT’S NORMAL TO REPEAT THE SAME STORIES ABOUT OUR LOVED ONE AND THE EVENTS AROUND THE DEATH. That’s part of the process

7. DO WHAT’S RIGHT FOR YOU, have a plan. GIVE YOURSELF PERMISSION TO CHANGE YOUR FAMILY AND HOLIDAY TRADITIONS.

8. EMBRACE YOUR MEMORIES—your memories are the legacy left by your loved ones, people are now setting about the task of remembering the person who they will carry with them for the rest of their lives.

ONE THING THAT I FOUND COMFORTING WAS TO CARRY, WEAR OR USE AN OBJECT THAT BELONGED TO MY LOVE DONE.

9. RENEW YOUR RESOURCES FOR LIVING. Taking inventory of our lives and our strengths, we just might discover some new gifts in ourselves, some untapped resources—even as we acknowledge the depth of our pain.

Might consider reaching out to others—volunteer work can help us feel needed, appreciated and valued.

10. EXPLORE YOUR FAITH—read some material about grief and loss, set some time aside for prayer and reflection, some time to explore your beliefs. Perhaps, make an appointment to talk to a pastor, rabbi,
Spiritual advisor. BE PREPARED FOR THE POSSIBILITY OF EXPERIENCING SERIOUS DOUBT AND EVEN ANGER WITH GOD. THIS IS COMMON.

QUESTIONS AND DOUBTS ARE OKAY—THEY ARE PART OF THE GRIEF JOURNEY—BE WITH PEOPLE WHO CAN SUPPORT YOU IN THIS.

ALMOST ALL PEOPLE WHO GO THROUGH A MAJOR LOSS RECOVER, BUT IT TAKES TIME, LOTS OF TIME AND IT TAKES A LOT OF ENERGY AND EFFORT, AND IT’S PAINFUL.

YET IT IS THROUGH THIS VALLEY OF PAIN THAT WE ARE HEALED AND BEGIN TO FEEL GOOD AGAIN.

AS THEY SAY, THE ONLY WAY THROUGH IT IS THROUGH IT.

LOVE DOES NOT DIE, IT DEEPENS US AND ULTIMATELY WE ARE STRENGTHENED BY IT.

YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY ABOUT SCAR TISSUE—IT IS TOUGHER THAN NORMAL SKIN. WE WILL BECOME STRONG AGAIN, AND HOPEFULLY STRONGER THAN WE WERE BEFORE.

Written at the request of
Friends of Forest Park
Portland, OR

COME WALK THE GOOD EARTH

Walk.. Talk.. Laugh.. Love.. and Live in peace. The Earth is yours!
-- Rev. Dick Harding the “Walk Doc”

With Forest Park in our midst we can take health walks everyday. Health walks are holistic effecting the mind, body and spirit. I can attest to their positive influence on grief for I walked my way through mourning after losing my mother, best friend and elder brother in less than two years. Walking isn’t something I just wanted to do; it became something that I had to do in order to find peace of mind, and my way to accepting the losses.

We can walk our way through grief and loss, stress, tension, angst, frustration, anger and fear. I not only use my walking time thinking things through, but also listening deeply to the sounds and wisdom of nature. What better place to solidify our understanding of life’s changes than in the forest where transformation happens right before our eyes. From the death of the plant and animal life, the earth is enriched and produces even more wonder for our enjoyment.

Nothing dies without revealing its gifts. Even in the midst of the most horrible situations, there are opportunities for wisdom and new life to emerge. After losing loved ones, people often move in new directions. They change careers, found charities, become advocates, start volunteering, and/or find their passion. Walking is a tool that can assist us in self-learning and in world understanding. In my opinion, it has that kind of power; especially, if we walk alone with our thoughts. Nature’s accompaniment will surely be missed if we are plugged into all the available, modern contraptions.

Dick Harding in his book Walking Through Stress: Meditation in Motion, says this:

A relaxed brain is the safest and most sensible medical technique for your mind, moods and muscles in today’s stressful society. Over a period of time, creative ideas and pleasant memory sensations will heighten your level of mental control and comfort. The tranquil brain makes a biochemical response (from its 2,300 natural chemicals) that permits you to fully enjoy a superb psychophysical environment inside yourself. (xiii)

Why not take time each day or each week to walk off deadly emotions and find freshness and new life in the unspoiled beauty of Forest Park? I’ll see you there.