Disenfranchised Grief

Someone who has lost a loved one knows they need time to grieve and directly deal with their feelings. Yet, all through life we experiences losses such as: innocence, independence, time, freedoms, employment, relationships, physical agility, injury, disease, productivity, identity, and self-esteem. The list could go on ad infinitum. How many of us actually pay attention to these life events and believe that they are worth grieving? Not many. Most of us feel almost ashamed to admit the loss.

After I received my Master's Degree, I struggled with low grade depression. Why was I so unhappy; I'd been all smiles and giddiness walking across that stage? It didn't dawn on me that I was grieving the loss of striving, of seeking a goal, of accomplishing something no one else in my family ever had. I needed to acknowledge the loss and decide what to do next with my life--something that would give me the same "spark" as working for that degree. When I decided to write an on-line course on grief and loss and finish writing the book I'd started, I felt a deep sense of renewal and excitement.

No matter the size of the loss, we always feel deprived or cheated out of something. When we examine our most dramatic life experiences, the hard-stuff, it always involves a loss of some kind. Therese Rando states in her book, How to Go on Living When Someone you Love Dies, (1988):
If the difficult situations you have undergone in your life...had been interpreted to you as symbolic deaths" and identified as losses, you probably would have realized that your intense reactions at the time were part of the grief process. This understanding probably would have enabled you to cope better at the time.

There are secondary losses associated with a death and other life events that aren't acknowledged as legitimate, yet they are viable losses too. I'm talking about having to change your life to accommodate an ill person; or enduring an injury that keeps you from ever running again. There are secondary losses when we are injured and have to retire early, or we can no longer drive a car. All of these are legitimate losses and need to be grieved in order for us to truly find peace and wholeness.

Among the various forms of loss are ambiguous losses as well. We rarely feel supported when a former spouse dies or we learn that we are infertile, or we are adopted and grieve the fantasy parent-child relationship we may have had with our real parents. Pet loss is another significant loss that people often endure without support. Alzheimer's disease is a terrible loss for families because the person they knew and loved vanishes becoming someone who doesn't even know who they are.

All of these losses are legitimate and need recognition so they can be overcome. Without support people may find themselves with increased emotional reactions to situations that normally require much less energy. They may be in denial themselves about the legitimacy of their losses and wonder why they are reacting they way they are. We need to acknowledge all of our grief, otherwise, we may find ourselves accumulating stress thereby compromising our immune systems and heading for a major illness. Additionally, the less we acknowledge the grief in our lives, the more it piles up, guaranteeing an intensified mourning process the next time we are confronted with loss.

It's a good idea to write our grief histories, going back and identifying losses that we didn't think mattered. Then, examine our feelings to see if there is any sting left in the memories. Journaling is a great way to work out unresolved grief. Another is taking our memories for long walks. This allows us time to mourn all the forgotten, stuffed, unacknowledged griefs that we have all tucked away. If all else fails, we can into grief counseling or seek therapy. I've discovered that when we shine light on that which is hidden, it can no longer harm us.