HOW TO SURVIVE THE HOLIDAYS IF YOU'RE GRIEVING

Holidays, anniversaries of a death, birthdays, Mother's Day, Father's Day--all these dates are difficult if you've lost a loved one. It is so important that you take care of yourself after someone you love has died. Don't discount the enormity of it's impact on your life. It is much like having major surgery for it is an assault, a gouging of your emotional well-being. You wouldn't push someone to hurry up and heal if they just had a quadruple by-pass; then, why expect yourself to hurry up and get through with your mourning.

Here are some helpful suggestions you might implement during the holidays and other significant days in the life of you and your loved one:
1) Acknowledge the dramatic emotional assault you're experiencing by being kind to yourself. Get a massage, make a play date with a friend, go for walks, journal, read poetry, attend a concert, play a round of golf, go to the gym for a workout.
2) Get enough rest and exercise. Allow yourself a nap during the day. Listen to some soothing music before bedtime.
3) Accept some social dates during the holidays, have lunch with a group of friends, something that will get you out of the house, something that you will enjoy. We need to stay connected if we want to heal. While alone time is needed, too much can set your recovery back. We need the support of others and opportunities to build a new life without our loved one in it. This does not mean that you forget or stop loving the person who died; it merely affirms that there are many people left to love. Loving others does not detract from the love you have for our beloved.
4) Buy yourself a gift, something you think your loved one would have wanted you to have, and that you would have been pleased to receive. It doesn't have to be expensive, just thoughtful.
5) Accept help when it is offered; it encourages others to give of themselves and it will nurture you.
6) Plan ahead for the holidays and revisit family traditions. Now might be a good time to do something different, perhaps spend the holidays out of town with loved ones; or gather at someone else's home if you've always had the festivities at your house.
7) Give of yourself during the holidays, it will keep things in perspective and you will be helping others in need. Volunteer at a church dinner or an event for the homeless. Visit a nursing home and bring gifts of soap, toothpaste, shampoo, conditioner, shaving cream, stuffed animals, writing pads, pens, pencils or other practical or fun items. I assure you that your visit will brighten their day, and make you feel good about yourself.

There is nothing so horrible as losing someone you love so, whatever you do, be gentle and kind to yourself. Embrace your grief for it is a demonstration of how deeply you are able to love. Unfortuantely, when we love, we always risk the pain of loss. Yet, in the end don't you believe it's worth the price? I do.

Remember, if you need additional help during this time, you can always give me a call.

Suicide and the Elderly

Did you know that the highest risk for suicide is among elder adults, especially white males over the age of 65? Shocking, isn't it? Living alone, whether the result of divorce or the death of a spouse as well as enduring some form of physical disability, ailment or mental illness, are noted causes. When elder adults attempt suicide, they are serious about wanting to die, while in younger populations, it is often a cry for help. The authors of The Last Dance: Encountering Death and Dying, note that "For some older people suicide is seen as a rational choice that offers release from severe illness or other hardships of old age. Old age can be a period of increased life satisfaction and ego integrity, or one of dissatisfaction, despair, and disgust." The authors also note that double suicides occur with "greatest frequency among the elderly."

I find it interesting that most folks who commit suicide do not leave notes. Only about 1/4 of suicides leave a message. And, as much as we want to help, "there is little reason to be optimistic about the prospect of preventing suicide, at least in the sense of eliminating it for the repertory of human behaviors. To do so, the causes of human unhappiness and dissatisfaction would have to be eliminated. ...This is not to say that efforts to relieve human suffering are not worth pursuing, only that they are inherently limited. (440).

Learning the above facts regarding the elderly and suicide, helps us pay more attention to people who live alone, or who seem lonely; and, reinforces our belief that as human beings we sometimes need the support of others to get through a rough spot in our lives no matter our age. As the authors note, "committing suicide is a bad decision, on a bad day." We may never know how much of a blessing our visits to the elderly are, or whether we have turned a "bad day" into a good day for someone who is isolated, alone, or lonely. If we are to be of good intention, then we must visit people not to get something in return, but because it's the right thing to do. The gift of being present to another person without expectations is the greats of gifts.

Dorothy Parker once wrote a poem called Resume that the authors of The Last Dance included in their book. It goes like this:
RESUME
Razors pain you;
Rivers are damp;
Acid stains you;
And drugs cause cramp.
Guns aren't lawful;
Nooses give;
Gas smells awful;
You might as well live.

I pray that all people live for the adventure of being alive, focusing on what they can do rather than on what they can't; and, certainly not because the means of ending it all are too unsavory as Dorothy Parker would have us believe.

What Not to Say to Someone Grieving

We all want to help those who are enduring a loss of any kind. Our intentions are good but we inadvertently say things that hurt or discount the griever. The best thing we can do for anyone who's hurting is just BE with them; listen to them--even when they repeat the story over and over. They are merely trying to get their minds around the death of their loved one.

Don't say: You're still good looking, you'll find another husband/wife. (People don't want to think about marriage to someone else at this time. They still feel married to their deceased spouse.)
Do say: I'm sorry for your loss.

Don't say: I know exactly how you feel. (Everyone grieves differently. Even if you've had a similar loss, their are differences in how you handled your pain.)
Do say: Tell me about, John (or Mary etc.)

Don't say: It's God's will, or their in heaven now. (The griever may be angry at God at the moment.)
Do say: I have a couple of hours today, is there anything I can do for you, go to the store, pay bills, vaccum....

Don't say: Don't dwell on the death. Think about the good times. (To get through grief, the griever must dwell on the death to make it real and to move on.)
Do say: Any time you want to talk I'm here for you.

Don't say: I don't know what I'd do if I lost my child, wife, mother. (Trust me. It's not about you. It's about them. And, comments like this just adds fuel to the fire of their loss.)
Do say: Let's go for a walk. I'd like to hear how you're holding up. (Walking is great for grievers, it activates healthy endorphins that will make them feel better. It's a way of working out the pain, and it is best done with a companion.)

Don't say: It could be worse. (At the moment, of their pain, nothing could be further from the truth.) Do say: This must be a very difficult time for you.

Encourage folks in pain to talk about their loss, tell stories about their loved one, while offering a listening ear, a helpful hand. Reassure them that you will pray for them and their family as they deal with their woundedness.

When a Community Grieves

“Not again!” We shout when something dreadful assaults our senses on the news—“Six Amish children killed in their one-room school house by a madman! For God’s Sake! Not our children!” When disaster strikes any group, Amish school children, or thousands of multicultural adults in high-rise office buildings, our hearts crack open, and the grandest part of us reaches out with compassion and generosity. We gather our united strength, send grief counselors to the fore, start fund-raising campaigns, create rebuilding projects, set up memorials, and/or display our allegiance with flags at half-mast, or at the very least prepare and offer casseroles.

Community grieving reveals the best of humanity. It seems a contrary reaction, this instantaneous expression of good will to societal tragedies, especially when most organizations allow a meager 3-day leave for employees suffering from a family death. And, individually, we get impatient with grievers because too much emphasis on death makes us uncomfortable. We wish people would just hurry up and get over their losses and get on with living so we can experience some peace. Even so, when something catastrophic happens in our country, we rise to the occasion, projecting how it might be for us in similar circumstances. Our hearts ache in unison when hearing of parents losing sons and daughters in Iraq, Afghanistan, and other warring places.

Genetically, humans are interconnected and amazingly alike. There are only tiny differences in solitary genes that affect surface traits such as the color of our skin and our hair. It’s no wonder that our suffering creates such a sense of togetherness; we all naturally relate to it. People all over the country grieved for those little Amish angels and their families. Many simultaneously, if unconsciously, were completing a portion of their own unresolved grief. Grief completion demands that people experience and react to the pain, accept the reality of the loss, let go of their attachment, create ways to hang onto their memories, and hopefully find some meaning in the loss.

Recovery requires the ability to reinvest our energies back into our own lives, lives without the presence of the deceased. Creation and acceptance of a new normal brings healing. Grieving is both challenging and difficult, and is too often blocked and incomplete. Stymied grief ascends during community tragedy, reigniting our collective pain, and creating a sense of togetherness.

Disenfranchised losses such as infertility, abortion, neonatal death, death of an ex-spouse or lover, or pet death are not yet socially recognized. Accepted or not, these events need to be felt, accepted, and let go of in order for healing to occur. If ignored, people find themselves experiencing intensified feelings of anger, guilt, powerlessness, and even hopelessness. These conditions seem to the outside world as without cause because they are not identified as “real.”
Processing time, of course, varies according to our losses, but grief is grief, big, small, and in between. Unfortunately, grief is never wholly resolved and can be triggered to lesser degrees, by sights, sounds, smells, sad books and movies, and also the losses of others. Its lack of conclusion is especially evident during public or world tragedies.

When a community grieves, many of us also experience anticipatory grief--feeling pain and loss in advance for what we may ultimately have to face. And, though people are loath to admit it, there is a sense of relief when something out there beats up other people’s lives. Relief, because, one more time they’ve escaped harms way. We all know that at any time, in any place it could be us, will one day be us, but it’s not today, thank you, God. Fortunately, in compassionate community this is accompanied with such thoughts as: “How can we help? How can we companion them? How can we commemorate the tragedy, this loss of life? How can we help these folks find meaning, purpose and hope again?”

Suffering is part of the human condition, and as such, most of us possess a vast reservoir of love and compassion from which to draw. And because of the depth of these feelings, when the news of the tragic and terrible reach us, the beauty of our shared humanity ascends. We find the courage to face the unthinkable together. We’ve seen this happen before, and we’ll see it again. Our unity creates one voice, one body, one magnificent force for good. The old church hymn, “We Shall Overcome,” is a suitable refrain when a community embraces grief together.

GRIEF IS A NORMAL REACTION TO LOSS

Are you suffering from a loss and wonder if you'll ever get back to yourself?
Losses may include:
Death of a loved one/friend/pet
Job loss/demotion
Loss of reputation
Loss of a relationship
Loss from relocating
Loss of peace of mind
Loss of connection to the Divine
And more….

Everyday we say goodbye to a multitude of things, big and small, so that we might welcome others. In the Secret Lives of Bees, August mournfully notes, “It was the in-between time, before day leaves and night comes, a time I’ve never been partial to because of the sadness that lingers in the space between going and coming.” Yes, even saying goodbye to the light of day, holds a quiet grief. All the little griefs and daily goodbyes, coupled with the larger, life-altering ones, are rehearsals for the greatest goodbye ever, our own dying. Once we can accept our mortality, life becomes more meaningful, more peaceful, more appreciated and treasured.

Our pain comes from our resistance to what is. Often we need help to deal with the reality of what IS, and this is where grief counseling comes to the rescue. We need to talk about pain for as long as it takes, and with someone who understands that grief is a process unique to everyone. We all deal with loss in our own way. A pastoral care/grief counselor can companion you on the journey. You don’t have to do this alone.